(quasi) Weekly guru.com WTF

I think I missed a post last Friday, but hopefully today's will more than make up for it. I know I'm probably being insensitive to the sexual proclivities of others, but hey, if we can't exploit insensitivity and misunderstanding in the name of humor, what are we doing here?

Project title: Domestic Discipline / Fetish Software
Need software programmer to create integrative domestic discipline software for couples engaged in domestic discipline / spanking / etc. Windows based. Should include the following features -

"Punishment Book" for recording misbehavior and punishment

"Punishment Calculator": spanker inputs data about the misdeed, program calculates appropriate punishment

"TIme Keeper": spankee's schedule of personal and professional tasks for the day, week, month - including *when* the task should be done, and *what* will happen if it is not done by deadline.

"Money Matters": spankers and/or spankee determine and keep spankee's budget.

"Health and Fitness": health, diet, and excersise program personalized for the spankee. Input meals, exercise routine, etc.

The software, as I envision it, provides a way for spanker to regulate, control, and "check" spankee's daily activities, and for both parties to reflect upon the process.

It should be fun, sexy, and easy to use.
Fun, sexy, and easy to use. Ooooooweeee! What more could you ask for? I like that it needs to be a Windows app, as if anyone using Linux participates in S/M activities (or sex in general, for that matter). I really get a kick out of the "Time Keeper" functionality. Here we shift paradigms from simple techno-sex-toy to complete-marriage-management-tool. I love it: "*what* will happen if it is not done". Cue the dramatic music...Have a wife that's not doing the dishes? Slap her! It's ok! The Spanking Software told you to! Ladies, have a man that just won't get off his ass to mow the lawn? Pinch his nipples and squeeze his balls! It's fine! The Spanking Software told you to! This software is going to revolutionize marriage forever!


Weekly? guru.com WTF

So hopefully this will become a regular thing--my quasi-weekly guru.com WTF. I'm a member of this site, guru.com, that matches freelance professionals with employers needing work done. I use it--with various levels of success--in an effort to completely remove myself from the physical working world. I get daily email notifications of job posts. Most are run-of-the-mill "i need a webpage to sell stupid shit that no one wants anyway" type requests, but there are also some real gems that cause me to become that creepy laughing guy in the corner of the JavaHouse. So here we go:

Category: Programming / Software / Database Development


My name is REDACTED . I am looking for a company that can create a tool that can completely remove all porn and adult websites from my link directory .

Please submit your price quote .

thank you ,


Here's my bid; and it's free, to boot! Stop looking at porn at work! Don't get me wrong, I dig electronic smut as much as the next overly-libidinous male, but there's a time and a place, my friend.


Jingle Jingle

This weekend was a grand ol' time. John and Bonkosi were in town for Thanksgiving/Jingle Cross. On Friday, we met for a few (too many) drinks at The Mill by way of Quinton's by way of the Dublin. We ran into Old Steve on the Ped Mall, which always adds an element of randomness to the evening (a Very Good Thing).

Saturday came bright and early, in preparation for Jingle Cross 2008. John, Joe and I raced the Cat 4 race, which started at 9:45. We had breakfast at Lou Henri and made our way to the Johnson County Fairgrounds. After a quick practice lap, we lined up and began our 35 minutes of hell. I discriminate fairly regularly against runners (running is for suckers), and I think the gods of running stuck it to me pretty bad. A little bit more aerobic stamina would have been good.

The amount of preparation I put in was precisely zero. Thus, I was a little nervous approaching my first barrier. I'd read over and over the correct dismount procedure, and I still managed to fuck it up. Coming up to my dismount point, I clipped out of my left pedal. Shit. Needless to say, it was ugly. I almost went down remounting, but I managed to pull it off (bruised ego in tow).

In the end, I placed 32 in a field of 57. My two goals--not crashing and finishing--were accomplished. A good time was had by all.

I sat Sunday out, in favor of hot cider and whiskey. It was an absolute blast to watch the races; it was snowing, so the course turned to pure mud. It was pretty comical. The highlight of the day was the descent from Mount Krumpit, which was basically a big mudslide. Joe was lucky to have his camera rolling for the sweetest crash of the day:

Geoff of Geoff's Bike and Ski definitely took the prize for gnarliest crash. And with a smile on his face the whole time. Pretty rad.